Look at that face. Isn’t it cute? Doesn’t she look sweet?
Bet you don’t think it looks like the face of a violent, hair-ripping, eye-gouging, boob-biting brute, do you?
Oh, but you’d be wrong.
At 11 months old, my oldest was sweet. Except when she wasn’t. She loved to pull chunks of hair out of my head – she would laugh hysterically each time. My eyes were apparently just shiny enough that she wanted to poke them constantly. And the boobs. Oh my poor breasts… She would look up at me, give me the sweetest little grin, and then bite as hard as she could.
Given that this was all age-appropriate behavior, I shouldn’t have been surprised. I definitely shouldn’t have been triggered, right?
Well, I was.
The body remembers, and I’m pretty sure it has a mind of its own. While my brain was saying, “Hey, she’s a baby,” my body was screaming, “Hit her and run! Get away!”
I still remember the first time she ripped out an entire handful of my hair. Those chubby little fists were so very strong. She yanked the hair out, then waved it triumphantly, laughing hysterically. She laughed so hard, she fell over backwards. Then laughed some more as my hair, that was in her hand, tickled her face. When she sat up, she saw tears on my face. She touched one, then tried to wipe them away with my hair.
Thankfully, I had a freeze response. My body locked and all I could do was stare at her, thinking of how my sister used to do the exact same thing. But IÂ wanted to smack her, hard. Well, my body did. My mind didn’t. The freeze response let me mind win.
Honestly, I wasn’t prepared for this. I wasn’t prepared to be triggered by my kids, triggered into old self-defense patterns. It isn’t every behavior, but very specific ones that send me right back into fight/flight/freeze. Â I’ve learned to prepare for it. Here’s how:
1. I Own and Know My Shit
Before kids, I did a lot (like, A LOT) of trauma work. I know many of my triggers. I know how they show up in my body. It’s not fair to blame my kids for my triggers – and it is very fair to help them do better.
A therapist can help. If you can’t get to a therapist right now, Aphrodite Matsakis’s I Can’t Get Over It is a great resource (affiliate link).
2. I Prioritize Self-Soothing Over Correcting the Behavior
When my kids trigger me, I immediately focus on self-soothing (an exception would be if they were putting themselves in danger, but that hasn’t happened yet). If I don’t self-soothe, I may over-react to their behavior, which isn’t fair.
There are several ways I self-soothe: tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique), breathing, rage cleaning, calming self-talk that includes validating my experience, journaling. I’m always willing to try new techniques, so please share what works for you.
If at all possible, I get a break from the kids. Maybe I ask my partner to take over for a bit, or put them in front of the TV. Whatever. My self-care is important too.
3. I Get It Out of My Body
When I was a kid and being beaten, I couldn’t hit back. It was simply too dangerous. But I wanted to hit back. I wanted to hurt my mother, and then my sister, just like they were hurting me. That’s a pretty reasonable response. I had to go against my instincts to defend myself and learn to stay still and allow them to hurt me. It’s left a build up in me.
When my kids hurt me, I obviously do not want to hurt them back. But my body wants to do something about the pain. And I honor that.
Sometimes I exercise. Sometimes I rage clean. Sometimes I lock myself in a room and beat the everloving fuck out of my pillows. Sometimes I cry.
I always make space to move the energy out of my body, even if I have to wait until later that day (though I try not to). I’ve learned, over and over again, the hard way, that if I don’t move this energy out, IÂ will get sick. My body will not tolerate being treated violently. And it shouldn’t.
4. I Practice Phrases That Reflect My Parenting Goals
I have certain phrases I use when the kids hit:
“I can’t let you do that. I’m going to hold your arms/legs still so you can’t hurt me/anybody.”
“We need to respect each other’s bodies, and hitting is disrespectful. I’m really disappointed right now.”
“Please stop immediately.”
“Hitting is absolutely unacceptable.”
And yes, I really did practice these. Having stock phrases has a few advantages: the kids hear them over and over which reinforces the message; I don’t have to think before I respond; I have a way to interrupt the behavior quickly. I can say one of these and then immediately give myself space. And yes, I did use these phrases even before they could talk. It was good practice. 🙂
After I’ve had time to take care of myself, I’ll initiate a longer conversation about their behavior (if necessary). I won’t start that conversation until I know I can have it calmly. Some of the things I will mention in that conversation include: what the behavior was, why it’s not ok, how I felt when they hit me. When they are much older, I will discuss what it means to be triggered with them and I will make it crystal clear that they are NOT responsible for managing my triggers.
5. I Forgive Myself
When my kids hit me, my hands instinctively form fists. My body wants to hit whomever is hurting me, then pull my arms up over my face, then run. My partner gets really upset when he sees this because it looks so violent to him.
I have not been able to stop that reaction yet, though I’ve tried and will continue trying. But, I had 21 years of abuse to learn that reaction, and I’ve only had 4.5 years of parenting to try and unlearn it. I do apologize to the kids for it sometimes, but not every time.
I forgive myself for wanting to hit back. I forgive myself for making fists. I forgive  myself for having such a strong reaction. I forgive myself for being different from other parents. I forgive myself for having more trauma work to do.
And I acknowledge that IÂ did not hit my children. I thank myself for working so hard over the years that my children are safe with me. I thank myself for stopping the family tradition of violence. I thank myself for wanting to do better.
What do you do when your kids trigger you? Join me at www.facebook.com/QuietStormsCO to talk about it.
More soon,
dawn
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