I made these. Not that you couldn’t tell they were homemade.
I’ve had a serious case of bronchitis for 5 weeks. I’ve been on a nebulizer for 4 weeks.
Another way to write that sentence: I’ve been enraged for 4 weeks.
A whole month. Of rage.
And, I’ve still got bronchitis! I’m having to use a nebulizer every 3 hours just to sorta breathe. (I’m heading back to the doctor tomorrow to ask what else we can do.)
For one week of the 4 weeks I’ve been on the nebulizer, I was also prescribed prednisone. It was like taking my rage and sprinkling Miracle-Rage-Gro on it. I had to make a personal rule that every single time I even thought I might speak, I had to take a breath first and ask myself if IÂ really wanted to say what I was about to say.
Even with that rule, I said and did some seriously shitty things.
While all this has been going on, The Toddler has also been sick with a very nasty cold. He’s just a snot machine. And that means: fights about snot. Fights about blowing noses. Hysterical, crying, snot-producing meltdowns about every single thing that doesn’t go his way.
So, yeah. A snotty toddler and a raging mama. And a kid and a husband who are just praying for the snot storm to end. What could go wrong?
So. Many. Things.
Not ALL the things, but so fucking many things.
And so I’ve been apologizing:
“Honey, I can’t play that right now. I wish I could and I’m sorry I can’t.”
“Mama starts coughing if she reads books. I’m sorry I can’t read right now.”
“I’m so sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry I scared you when I yelled.”
“The medicine is making it hard for mama to think in any feeling other than angry. It’s not much fun, is it? I’m sorry you have to deal with it too, and I will try harder to be calmer.”
Here’s what’s important about these apologies: They aren’t half-assed. I’m taking full responsibility for my shit and my fuck ups. My parents were masters of the “if you didn’t make me” apology, or, as I think of it, the blamepology. Example: “I’m sorry I had to hit you because you were misbehaving.” (Yes, that really is a quote.) Another: “I wouldn’t be drinking this much if I wasn’t so worried about you.”
Don’t do that. Just apologize. Show your kids how it’s done. Repair the harm you’ve done the best you can.
I’m still working on repairing the harm. And because I have limited energy, I’m trying hard to do something every day that shows them I’m thinking of them, listening to them, caring about them. 2 days ago, The Kid asked for pumpkin custard and I made it. It was delicious. This morning, The Toddler asked for chocolate cake with chocolate sauce. He’s getting chocolate cake. With marshmallow because I ran out of energy before I could make chocolate sauce. It’s not all about food – we’ve done craft projects, talked about Dinosaur Train until my brain was oozing out my ears, and have listened to music together.
And throughout this, I’ve had to apologize again and again. I’m really struggling thanks to the medication and how hard it is to breathe. But when I apologize, I know I’m doing the best I can to honor their experiences too. And when I apologize and do my best to repair the harm, when I own that I screwed up and can do something about it, I don’t waste much energy feeling guilty (and you know what follows – feeling angry because I’m feeling guilty).
Being able to apologize is a gift to ourselves and to our loved ones. And who doesn’t like gifts?
More soon (after I’m feeling better),
dawn
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